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I go within myself and I look at the person I have become, as a soul we must learn lessons in life to enhance our growth, so that we become more enlightened when we finally go back to the source and although I believe this to be true with all my heart, as a sentient being, living and interacting with others, it is hard to be detached and not care that the way we act does not bring hardship onto others. 

Perhaps, as others will see, that this is their lifepath and if you bring hardship and heart ache to them, depending on how they cope and grow from this, will bring a higher source of understanding to them.   

I am finding it difficult to be selfish and only seek the truth for myself leaving pain behind. 

My children chose me to be their mother, did they choose me to hurt them too?  

Did I choose to fall in love with a wonderful man, a good man and then shatter his heart like glass.  I know he is hurting, as he did not see there was something wrong, perhaps it is wrong with me, I take full blame and responsibility for my own life, I take responsibility for breaking his heart, but to be true to him, I must be true to me. 

I must express my hurts, my pain, and my grief.  I understand that I do not communicate and express my thoughts at the time of interaction, but without bringing up any particular scenario, perhaps at that time, I did not want to hurt him, perhaps I did not want to argue and although I left it till now, I felt it was better expressed so we could either grow together or grow apart whatever it shall be.

 I cannot pretend anymore that everything is happy, because I do not know how long I have here and I don't want to die with regrets, I must be true to myself.  

I am an individual, I am not someone's wife, someone's mother, perhaps that is selfish but when is my life going to be mine, my children will grow and leave me to make lives of their own, just as I have, be it good or bad, they have to make their own mistakes and their own happiness. 

Not everything has to be negative, only our perception will bring out the negativity, our misunderstanding.  I am frightened, very frightened, tomorrow scares me, tomorrow haunts me for I do not know if tomorrow may come for me, I am not scared of dying,

 I am scared of not living.